The All New G-Rated Bible!
WARNING: The following post is a joke. You can draw whatever meaning you like from it, as long as you don't accuse me of being serious. Thank you.
"Mommy, what do you mean Noah only took two of every animal?"
"Well, honey...
"He took two and let the rest of them just drown???"
"Actually there are some animals he took seven of."
"Why?"
"Because... um... they were going to, uh... well... eat them."
_____
"Hey, sport... you've been quiet. What are you doing?"
"Drawing."
"Drawing what?"
"Bible characters."
"Wow... that's great! Can I see?"
"No! Not till I'm done."
"Oh... ok. Which characters are you drawing?"
"Well, so far just Eve."
"I see. Um... before she ate the fruit or after?"
"Before."
"Right..."
If you're like me, you're getting tired of all the R-rated content in the Bible. Many Bible stories are played off as children's tales, and yet contain scenes of violence, pagan ritual, prostitution, genocide and nudity. That's why all of us at the G-Rated Bible Society decided to produce a family friendly version... just for you! And we didn't stop at content editing! We also edited for length, to hold the attention of a media-saturated generation of young people! We've pulled a few pages here from the life of David to show you what kind of good, clean, concise, family-oriented scripture you've been missing all these years:
David & Goliath
"Now the Philistines were a bunch of meanies, who gathered together in the valley to make fun of the Israelites. And there was among them a giant bully (who was six whole feet tall and had the beginnings of a mustache) who stood out in front of the camp, saying all sorts of mean things about the Israelites, and even about God! He said, 'Why don't you puny wimps send out a man to wrestle me, and if he pins me, you can give us all wedgies. But if I pin him, we will give all of you wedgies! I double-dog-dare you!' So David the Israelite, who was small but brave, came out and said, 'I'm not afraid to wrestle you! Even though you're twice my size, I know my God will help me to pin you!' So they wrestled, and after only a few minutes, Goliath was crying for mercy. David said, 'You are defeated!' and all the Philistines were sore afraid, because the Israelites looked eager to give them the wedgying of a lifetime. But David said, 'Stop, my brothers! We do not need to yank their underpants! Let us forgive them for their taunts and jokes, and share our candy with them.' And thus the Philistines and Israelites became best of friends."
David & Bathsheba
"And it came to pass, in the reign of Class President David, that the senior prom was at hand. David had been going steady with a particular girl for awhile, and was planning to ask her to the dance. But then he met a very pretty girl in gym class named Bathsheba. So David asked her to the prom instead. She said, 'but my boyfriend Uriah already asked me.' And David replied, 'Don't worry about Uriah, I'll take care of him. After all, I'm class president, and I am very powerful.' After Bathsheba left, David did something very mean. Since he was also the manager at the local burger joint, he changed Uriah's work schedule, and made him work the same night as the prom! Uriah was furious, but had no choice because he didn't want to be fired. So David took Bathseba to the prom, and there was nothing Uriah could do about it! The night of the prom, everything was going smoothly. Then, halfway through the dance, David's best friend, Nathaniel, came up to him and said, 'I just heard about this rich kid who stole a poor kid's bike!' So David said, 'That's terrible! He should get three month's detention!' And Nathaniel said, 'No, David! You're the real thief!'. After David stood in silence for a moment, he realized that he had been wrong. He left right away to drive to the burger joint, and told Uriah that he was relieving him, and he should go join his girlfriend Bathsheba at the prom. Then little baby Solomon was delivered out of nowhere... by a stork."
The G-Rated Bible Society would now like to make a confession: this is all we've got so far. So please respond to this post with your submissions for G-Rated Bible Stories, and we will consider them for our first edition.
Thank you, and God Bless.
"Drawing."
"Drawing what?"
"Bible characters."
"Wow... that's great! Can I see?"
"No! Not till I'm done."
"Oh... ok. Which characters are you drawing?"
"Well, so far just Eve."
"I see. Um... before she ate the fruit or after?"
"Before."
"Right..."
_____
"What do you mean Stephen was stoned? I thought he was a good guy!"
"Well, stoned means..."
"I know what stoned means! It means he was on drugs. But only bad guys take drugs."
"No... no, no, no! I mean... yes, only bad guys take drugs, but Stephen wasn't on drugs. When it says he was stoned it means that people threw rocks at him until he, uh... until he died."
"You mean they killed him?!? Well, did he at least come back to life like Jesus?"
"What do you mean Stephen was stoned? I thought he was a good guy!"
"Well, stoned means..."
"I know what stoned means! It means he was on drugs. But only bad guys take drugs."
"No... no, no, no! I mean... yes, only bad guys take drugs, but Stephen wasn't on drugs. When it says he was stoned it means that people threw rocks at him until he, uh... until he died."
"You mean they killed him?!? Well, did he at least come back to life like Jesus?"
_____
If you're like me, you're getting tired of all the R-rated content in the Bible. Many Bible stories are played off as children's tales, and yet contain scenes of violence, pagan ritual, prostitution, genocide and nudity. That's why all of us at the G-Rated Bible Society decided to produce a family friendly version... just for you! And we didn't stop at content editing! We also edited for length, to hold the attention of a media-saturated generation of young people! We've pulled a few pages here from the life of David to show you what kind of good, clean, concise, family-oriented scripture you've been missing all these years:
David & Goliath
"Now the Philistines were a bunch of meanies, who gathered together in the valley to make fun of the Israelites. And there was among them a giant bully (who was six whole feet tall and had the beginnings of a mustache) who stood out in front of the camp, saying all sorts of mean things about the Israelites, and even about God! He said, 'Why don't you puny wimps send out a man to wrestle me, and if he pins me, you can give us all wedgies. But if I pin him, we will give all of you wedgies! I double-dog-dare you!' So David the Israelite, who was small but brave, came out and said, 'I'm not afraid to wrestle you! Even though you're twice my size, I know my God will help me to pin you!' So they wrestled, and after only a few minutes, Goliath was crying for mercy. David said, 'You are defeated!' and all the Philistines were sore afraid, because the Israelites looked eager to give them the wedgying of a lifetime. But David said, 'Stop, my brothers! We do not need to yank their underpants! Let us forgive them for their taunts and jokes, and share our candy with them.' And thus the Philistines and Israelites became best of friends."
David & Bathsheba
"And it came to pass, in the reign of Class President David, that the senior prom was at hand. David had been going steady with a particular girl for awhile, and was planning to ask her to the dance. But then he met a very pretty girl in gym class named Bathsheba. So David asked her to the prom instead. She said, 'but my boyfriend Uriah already asked me.' And David replied, 'Don't worry about Uriah, I'll take care of him. After all, I'm class president, and I am very powerful.' After Bathsheba left, David did something very mean. Since he was also the manager at the local burger joint, he changed Uriah's work schedule, and made him work the same night as the prom! Uriah was furious, but had no choice because he didn't want to be fired. So David took Bathseba to the prom, and there was nothing Uriah could do about it! The night of the prom, everything was going smoothly. Then, halfway through the dance, David's best friend, Nathaniel, came up to him and said, 'I just heard about this rich kid who stole a poor kid's bike!' So David said, 'That's terrible! He should get three month's detention!' And Nathaniel said, 'No, David! You're the real thief!'. After David stood in silence for a moment, he realized that he had been wrong. He left right away to drive to the burger joint, and told Uriah that he was relieving him, and he should go join his girlfriend Bathsheba at the prom. Then little baby Solomon was delivered out of nowhere... by a stork."
The G-Rated Bible Society would now like to make a confession: this is all we've got so far. So please respond to this post with your submissions for G-Rated Bible Stories, and we will consider them for our first edition.
Thank you, and God Bless.
Posted at 2:15 PM
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4 Comments:
That
was
SERIOUSLY
funny!
The last one was the funniest. Clever, very clever, my friend. Oh, and your point could not be better illustrated.
Very, very clever and hilarious.
I have the same thoughts about the Bible. I am so sick of people approaching the Bible (OT stories especially) like it is some sort of holy kids' story book. That is not the purpose of the Bible.
A few stories that you haven't mentioned yet.
- Esther joined a harem. There is absolutely no getting around that.
- I am just a little suspicious as to why the two spies visited Rahab in Joshua 2. Maybe I'm being cynical.
- Samson is a favorite kids' story character, but it is full of violent and provocative material.
The spies and Rahab... I never even thought of that! I'm scarred for life.
During a Bible study I once mentioned (kiddingly) that I had bible poster on my wall. I stated that it was a poster of Eve before the fall. It didn't go over well.
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