Catharsis
Following is an excerpt of an e-mail I wrote to a friend this morning. I've altered it a bit to protect the privacy of others.
As far as my life goes... sorry if I've been running a bit silent. The fact is that I have never been so overwhelmed in my life. And it doesn't help that I'm overwhelmed in many different (and often opposite) ways. I am overwhelmed with the responsibilities of running the FP. On the other hand, I am overwhelmed with the fact that it's actually happening, with the experience of meeting so many amazing people, and getting to build real connections with them. I am overwhelmed with being right in the middle of downtown, and with the knowledge that thousands of complete strangers have heard about us, and have been looking up the website, or reading the blog, or just wondering what we're all about. But on the other, other hand, I am at an absolute low-point when it comes to the actual body... the tight-knit community of God that's supposed to exist at the center of all of it. One leadership couple has retreated to the fringes, out of recognition of the fact that they had not been doing much to begin with, and just bought a new house and had their first baby. They're still helping, but not in a central way. Another leadership couple bowed out entirely due to the current instability of their lives, and the fact that The Core is not really the most ideal place for two young children (not bad, just not ideal, either.) We had 12 people at Re:Group 3 weeks ago, than slightly less than that for Merge (which is supposed to be the large gathering) and then 5 for Re:Group last night (Me, Mik (Christina was ill) a lady who belongs to another church, a youth pastor, and a random guy off the street who left early.)
I could write a book called "The Agony and the Ecstasy" if it hadn't already been done. I suppose this is just the world of church-planting for you. But if it wasn't for the ecstasy part I could just call it a failure and move on. And if it wasn't for the agony part I would be in heaven.
I know numbers aren't important, but once you open up a facility like this, there is a certain critical mass of people you have to maintain to justify the building and all the stuff you've got going on. I wouldn't blame people for not wanting to donate to keep a building open that only serves a handful of people. Heck, I wouldn't even ask them to. But the fact remains that we would not be doing this if we didn't know for certain that God told us to. Because he did.
Thanks for prodding me to share this. It's good catharsis.
And congratulations on discovering you're average. I went through my entire youth convinced I was special... with no small amount of help from my family. I remember thinking to myself several times how I was good at everything I tried. That attitude dies hard. Of course it would be absurd for me to pull a total reversal and decide that I'm inadequate at everything. But the hard fact is that I am gifted at a few things, and struggle in many other ways. It's even harder when it's in those "other ways" that God decides to use you, and you feel like the butt of a celestial joke.
Just don't be surprised when the discovery that you're average is really just a stop on the way to "below average". I'm not trying to put you down, I just want you to be prepared for it. And if it doesn't happen, cool. But if it does... I just don't want you to kill yourself.
The fact is that I sincerely believe in you. And your last e-mail increased my confidence that seminary is the right place for you now. Just make absotively posolutely certain that you don't relegate your spiritual life to doctrine and hermeneutics and textual analysis.
In other words, keep it real.
Peace in,
Ryan.
Posted at 9:27 AM
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6 Comments:
I find often times my dissapointments come from my wants, my plans not being fulfilled. So often times I forget to recognize my needs and God's plan will be fulfilled if it isn't about me.
Continue with the knowledge that God does have a plan.
It is extremely difficult to decipher between our wants, needs and our plans, God's plans. This could turn out like nothing you ever imagined. It'd be pretty awesome if it did.
Expecting it to turn out a certain way has become awfully tiring. I'm pretty much resigned now to the fact that the results are unimaginable.
Thanks Phillip.
I think I may have an idea who this letter was to, but in order to respect his anonymity, I won't state here who it might be. :)
I will say two things, though. 1. I commend your humility and honesty in this letter. You made yourself vulnerable, and I believe God is pleased by it. And 2. I commend your putting it on the blog, making yourself vulnerable not just to that particular individual, but to others who care about you, and probably many who don't.
Thank you.
Ryan, my situation wasn't quite the same as yours but its good to know I am not alone. I have decided to lead a home group at my church. A couple, who used to be in the old home group I led, have been asking me to lead one again. I have come to the conclusion that the home group I was apart of just isn't for me. There seemed to be a need, atleast among us three, and there could be more that might desire the type of group we could form. When I talked about leading a home group, several other people shared that they were interested. This last Saturday I realized that their interest wasn't that great and our homegroup will probably only be me and the couple, atleast to start out with. You are right when you say numbers don't matter, but some things work best with a certain minimuim number of people involved. Three people just didn't seem a good number for a home group. I felt deppressed because of thoughts that I had started out on something prematurely and/or foolishly. I finally came to share your sentiment of: I believe there is a need for this type of ministry but I am resigned to the fact that the results are unimaginable. I am at different place now than I was Saturday but I thought I would tell you that it seems you are once again reading my prayer journal and telling me stories that relate to my situation, or atleast what I should have written in my prayer journal. I was quicker to go to my Dad for counsel and sympathy because, in my mind, God probably didn't care about my feelings of shame. Of course, that was last Saturday. I feel better about the group now and see how foolish it was to imagine that God didn't care about my discouragement. But its good to here someone else share a similiar experience.
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That's a good ditto. It's nice to know I'm not alone, but I don't want to be sadistic enough to enjoy seeing others suffer.
When Sunday goes bad, my whole week feels crummy. I hate that. That's definitely not a life of faith, is it?
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