Following is an imagined conversation between God the Father, and Jesus the Son on May 21, 2011:
Father: It’s time, my Son.
Jesus: Time for what now?
Father: It’s May 21, 2011. Time for the Rapture. You know… Judgment Day.
Father: Yep… Harold Camping nailed it. And you know, if you’d paid a little more attention in Hebrew School, you might have known the date yourself.
Jesus: But I was valedictorian!
Father: Out of what? Eight students? Valedictorian of Nazareth Synagogue and Tannery… very nice.
Jesus: It’s not my fault… I didn’t write those prophecies.
Father: And did you really have to admit that you didn’t know the day or the hour? It’s been exactly 7,000 years since the Flood, for your sake! Talk about obvious…
Jesus: What? I thought that was next year!
Father: You counted the year zero again, didn’t you? I’ll bet you were banking on that heathen Mayan calendar, weren’t you? 2012 just looks better, doesn’t it?
Jesus: Now you’re just being hateful. “God is Love, remember?”
Father: Right. Well, regardless of that, I’m giving Harold your job.
Father: of Messiah. Savior. First-born over all creation and First-fruits of the redemption.
Jesus: You can do that??
Father: Oh, please. I can do everything except make a rock so large I can’t lift it. You know I’d been meaning to make the change ever since that embarrassing display with the foot-washing. But Jesus! Don’t look so devastated. It’s not like I’m not disowning you. You can be like Esau to Harold’s Jacob.
Jesus: But I’m waaay older than Harold! Jacob and Esau were twins.
Father: Look who’s finally paying attention to their Torah studies…
Jesus: So I’ll still be your Son?
Father: Sure. But you might need to stop capitalizing the “S”.
Jesus: Then what are my new duties?
Father: Manager of Merchandising.
Jesus: Salt on a dung-heap! You’ve got to be joking.
Father: Hey… if I were joking, you would be laughing. But enough of this… you’ve got to get down there already. Gabriel has his trumpet out of the case, and he’s getting impatient.
Jesus: Fine. What should I do when I get down there?
Father: Don’t worry about that. You just show up with Gabe, and he’ll make the announcement. Harold Camping will rise first, and you can let him take it from there.
Jesus: Oh God.